Ordering take out in China
Today I ordered a soup I only knew 2 characters of out of the five that were printed- I didn’t know it actually said “nasty smelling soup that’s going to taste good but will contain a long thread of human hair that’s well ..not yours and afterward..u will explode into an long episode of diarrhea.” Needless to say, I continued to eat because(1) it was delicious and (2) I didn’t want to add to my already outrageous bill of culture shock therapy by trying to brave the world outside my apartment and spend another hour trying to order a simple dish of noodles whilst fending off hands prying on my hair to check authenticity or trying to rub my skin to see if I am color fast or just badly tanned. The only place I feel confident about ordering food from in China is Mcdonalds. Although if I have to take a taxi to one, I have to take at least two midols a few minutes before hailing one. (I am aware that this drug should only be for pms but after having been inone two many taxis in China, I have found I always develop the same pms-like symptoms when ever I submit myself to the living hell of riding in a taxi for more than 5minutes, which is why I have well developed calves from walking.) The first problem has to do with the hailing of the taxi itself, there is a certain way to do it, and I haven’t figured it out yet so I usually just stand in the middle of the road with my eyes shut and hope the taxi driver breaks first before he breaks my legs from the knees. That done, I have to tell the driver where I am going, in this case it is Mcdonalds although in Chinese it is broken down into 3 significant characters, such that it really is (My Dow Nawl). I know it sounds nothing like the Mcdonalds you and I know but if you insist on the right pronunciation, not only are going to get yelled at, kicked out of the taxi..you will also have to walk the 5 miles to Mcdonalds. Upon entering Mcdonalds, one is relieved to find the familiar setting, all is familiar except, the menu, the language, the seating, the currency, advertisements, music and pictures…really the only thing similar to any other Mcdonalds is the napkins and the Ronald Mcdonalds (except this one has slightly squinty eyes for obvious reasons.) But the silver lining, lies in the picture menu, mean’t for kids, foreigners and retards. Mcdonalds is one of the few precious places where you (a) don’t have to use your pathetic Chinese to order something (
haggle the price of your dog ribs, snail soup or big mac (c) sit next to a sweaty guy with a huge beer belly who tries to get you to gulp glass upon glass of cheap beer that guarantees the shits the minute you consume it. So when you next visit China, make sure you locate your nearest Mcdonalds and have someone write down the characters for you, or pack a lot of crackers and cup o soup.