17.
I left my heart at the pawn shop
For he liked to belong to many, cheaply
He liked to be used, again and again
Squeezed, prodded, bargained for
Devalued, evalued, bartered for
He liked to be special to someone
For a while
Till they moved on
To another
He liked to feel at home
Yet knowing, tomorrow,
He might be at home, elsewhere
He has been on the shelf
For far too long now, my heart
Sure he’s been tried on and admired
Once in a while
But he just wasn’t good enough
To keep
Soon, I’m afraid,
dusty and worn as she is
She will not be worth
The shelf she sits on
18.
Carry me to where you will go
Show me the wonders as you have
Beheld, shield my inhibitions
From such kinds of dangers
As you have seen and foreseen
May your darkness envelope mine
So I can learn your search
And you can lead mine
19.
A far off saddening appeal
Must be morphine
Sweet, painful
Sweet, freeing
Unburdening
As in light
Of a small, small bird
Uncertain
With each effort
The struggle
Abrubtly ending
In helpless defeat
20.
Its like I am in another world
Outside of myself
Inside of others’
A stranger in a strange land
(quite the cliché)
I feel strange in my own skin
Afraid to expose myself
I panic and struggle to fit in
My efforts to become like others
Normal
Leave me feeling all the more
Conspicuous
When you have been there
The cycle, it seems never stops
To let you out
Anxiety is heightened
Everything is magnified
Disappointment highly exaggerated
Looking back, I find it implausible
To think that I am back
Right where I started
Making the same mistakes
21.
My desire, my purpose
Exceeds my abilities
Intimidated by this sacred
Responsibility
I yearn for the familiar
That grants me a security
Not to be relied upon
The chaos within me
Seeks to destroy
Even that which is left in me
My personal hell
I pray to be excused, for favor
The strength I use to be here
Cripples me under the load
I focus, I cry, I beg, I reason
And then I crumble, a cowardly heap
Crawling in search of a morsel, even a hint
Of grace
My efforts, my efforts
They always fail, miserably
So with humble shame and
Total inadequacy
I approach Him
And I beg for Portia’s mercy
22.
There it stood!
Making one last performance
Grapefruit red against a dirty, gingham red
Not threatening
Towering above the sharp skyline of a city preparing to cool down
In the shade of the impending dark grey night
Unnoticed but towering
Reflecting the course of the murky river
As it spilled into another river of the same demise
Just for a moment, it outshone, distinguished itself
Amidst a common haze… bright, vibrant, dominant.
Then slowly, it gave way to the polluting haze
Honorably and with pride
The sun shone its final brightness and faded steadily
Bowing to the grey stillness of the night
23.
And as the lights simultaneously blink low in the sleepy town across the yellow
I can’t bear to think you are letting tears get the best of you and I
Am not there to chide them away with my hand on your cheek