where I choose to stand on all this
Today was one of those “It’s too beautiful to go outside today so why pretend we are sun worshippers, lets stay home and watch a “sex and the city marathon” instead!” type of day. Which is exactly what me and my friend Sean ended up doing for the rest of the day. China has a booming industry of black market DVDs which explains why we already own the complete Friends season episodes right up to the series finale. We also have American Pie 3 and are now up to Home Alone 11. I cannot explain to you exactly how this is, but disregarding the absurd, I am up to date on all my favorite shows and am currently looking forward to the latest Die Hard 5 (The return of the impostor.)
So we are watching Samantha doing her ..um thing and Carrey having a zit emergency when Sean turns to me and blurts out the most stupid, insensitive thing a guy could and should never be allowed to say. “I wonder why they don’t even talk about the abortion option” (For die hard Sex fans, it’s the one where Amanda is contemplating what to do with Steve’s unexpected child.) Now I know rules have changed over the years and we are now casual about sex and human relationships but I just hadn’t realized that we are now also casual about the sanctity of human life. Idiots have gained their reputation for being the first to embrace impropriety and from being opinionated on issues they know nothing about first hand.
I remember driving into the Planned Parenthood parking lot two days after “it broke.” I was 21 and he was 20 going on 15, no way was I going to have his spawn! That day everything except my belief in God fell through and even that wasn’t strong enough to stop me from accepting the emergency pill. I remember accelerating past shabbily dressed, angry women with vicious placards that left nothing to the imagination in illustrating what, to them was the Evilness of abortion. One woman shoved pamphlets through my passenger window and another tried to take a hold of my steering wheel while she screamed “murderer” into my face. Her bad breath was the least of my concerns at the time. Surprisingly, though scared, I was numb to all that. I kept thinking about my full ride academic scholarship, how I wanted to travel around the world and never wanting follow in my sister’s footsteps who, though married at 19, had a baby at 21 and unhappily divorced soon after…too young to be there. So I took the option and drove away as if nothing important had just happened; only it had. I must have matured 20 years as I signed those papers, read the pamphlets, paid my money and took the pill.
I am not interested in the latest findings in science on the subject; it seems every year it’s different. One year the fetus is really a life form, the next year they decide its not. I put my money on a living fetus because that’s what it is to me and that’s what I tried to get rid of, a baby I wasn’t ready to have. That was no option for me, as in a quiz where you can opt for A. or B. I had already made an incorrect decision, now I was just desperate…for some sort absolution, an escape. I remember frantically giving my best friend a call after my return and excitedly telling her about the events of the last 60 hours of my life in emotional hell. Instead of congratulating me, she got very quiet and asked me if I had taken the pill. This puzzled me as I had just told her that I had which explained the hint of elation in my voice. “Do you realize what you realize what you have done?” she said quietly. “What?” And then it dawned on me. Me the outspoken anti-abortionist, the one who waited until I was 21 to have sex, the one who was disgusted with people who even mentioned “Planned Parenthood” had done exactly what I had preached against for all these years ever since I was 15. The irony is not enough to cover my shame. All this time I had spoken out of my ass and now when the shit really hit the fan, I discovered what I was made of. That hit me the most and kicked in the depression which resided until a few days later when I found out I had had a false alarm and had not terminated anything since there had been nothing to terminate (among the lucky 23%). From the way I reacted over those days, I know I would never have lived with myself if I had actually had an abortion, it would have cost me my life and taking my life is not as viable an option like choosing Mayo over Ketchup or super sizing one’s happy meal.
Opinions are varied, especially on deeply personal subjects such as racism, euthanasia and abortion. It’s one thing to have a smartly crafted opinion, to be the center of a controversial argument. It’s another thing to have been there, to have had the gun cocked in your mouth, your death just a click away…and to live to talk about it and to formulate an opinion based on it. The abortion option…mm just because it rhymes cleverly, doesn’t mean its right. My opinion on abortion – I have absolutely no opinion to give you but based on what I went through, I will never do it and I will never vote for it, for me there is no option.