A few years ago my mom suffered a minor non- life threatening stroke which spiraled me into the abyss of frantic fear of the impending doom of the death of my parents. Now my dad is losing his teeth? How can that be, I am not even there yet. I still need my parents in my life. Who is going to walk me down the isle? Who is going to Bless my first child? Where will I go if I need parental refuge?
Which brings me to now. Why have I been chasing after the minor things of my life? I feel like I have skirted responsibility. Granted I have achieved a lot in my young life, but why does it all feel miscellaneous? Why have I run away from things like a career, marriage and children? Things that spell the folding of my life, the top of the hill that will mark my descending into adulthood, old age and death the part of my life where I am prepared to let my parents go? Why am I in China learning an impossible language and meeting trivial people who mean a lot to me for a split second in my gap life* and I represent a landmark on the road to their dreams and success. Why am I making a difference in so many other people's children's lives that they cry when I leave and I hurt to leave them.
At this point, I realize I have been living in the garden of blissful oblivion where it mattered to do good for others and to achieve small victories without really sacrificing oneself for the ultimate challenges in life. I am awake now and I realize I haven't got much time. It's time for me to leave my mark, my legacy before my dad's teeth fall out. Before anyone who matters to me is too dead to notice what my life amounted to.
So I am handing in my running shoes and am unsteadily, full of fear and trembling heading towards my ultimate self, my ultimate challenges, my biggest fear is I may not make it on time as time is no longer my friend.
"The time to hesitate is through" Empire Records
*As in taking a gap year...which in my case is two years and still gaping strong.